| When
Brian and Sarah began dating, all of her friends
were jealous. Brian seemed like the perfect guy:
smart, sensitive, funny, athletic, and good-looking.
For the first couple of months, Sarah thought she
had never been happier. She started to miss her
friends and family, though, because she was spending
more time with Brian and less time with everyone
else. That seemed easier than dealing with Brian's
endless questions. He worried about what she was
doing at every moment of the day.
Sarah's friends became concerned when her behavior
started to change. She lost interest in the things
she once enjoyed, like swimming and music. She became
secretive and moody. When her friends asked Sarah
if she was having trouble with Brian, she forcefully
denied that anything was wrong. What was going on?
Read this article to find out how to tell if you
or a friend is being abused and what you can do
about it.
What Is Abuse?
Everyone has heard the songs about how much love
can hurt. But that doesn't mean physical harm: Someone
who loves you should never abuse you. Healthy relationships
involve respect, trust, and consideration for the
other person.
Abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense feelings
of caring or concern. Sometimes abuse can even seem
flattering; think of a friend whose boyfriend or
girlfriend is insanely jealous. Maybe you've thought
your friend's partner really cares about him or
her. But actually excessive jealousy and controlling
behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love
involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly
worrying about the possible end of the relationship.
Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping,
hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse
that can occur in both romances and friendships.
Emotional abuse, like teasing, bullying, and humiliating
others, can be difficult to recognize because it
doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation,
put-downs, and betrayal are all harmful forms of
emotional abuse that can really hurt - not just
during the time it's happening, but long after,
too.
It's never right to be forced into any type of sexual
experience that you don't want. This type of abuse
can happen to anyone, anytime.
The first step is to realize that you have the right
to be treated with respect and not be physically
or emotionally harmed by another person. But how
can you prevent becoming involved in this type of
relationship? How can you help a friend who is in
an abusive relationship?
Signs That You Are Being Abused
Any type of unwanted sexual advances that make you
uncomfortable are red flags that the relationship
needs to focus more on respect. Phrases like "If
you loved me, you would . . . " also should
warn you of possible abuse. A statement like this
is emotional blackmail from a person concerned about
getting what they want. Trust your intuition. If
it doesn't feel right, it isn't.
There are important warning signs that you may be
involved in an abusive relationship. Abusive behaviors
include:
- harming you physically in any way, including
slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking,
kicking, and punching
- trying to control different aspects of your
life, such as how you dress, who you hang out
with, and what you say
- frequently humiliating you or making you feel
unworthy; for example, if a partner puts you
down but tells you that he or she loves you
- coercing or threatening to harm you if you
leave the relationship
- twisting the truth to make you feel you are
to blame for your partner's actions
- demanding to know where you are at all times
- constantly becoming jealous or angry when
you want to spend time with your friends
Signs That a Friend Is Being Abused
In addition to the signs listed above, here are
some signs of abuse to look for in a friend:
- unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains,
or marks
- excessive guilt or shame for no apparent reason
- secrecy or withdrawal from friends and family
- avoidance of school or social events with
excuses that don't seem to make any sense
If a friend is being abused, the one thing your
friend needs most is someone to hear and believe
him or her. Maybe your friend is afraid to tell
his or her parents because they'll make him or her
end the relationship. People who are abused often
feel like it's their fault - that they "asked
for it" or that they don't deserve any better.
But abuse is never deserved. Your friend needs you
to help him or her understand that it is not his
or her fault. Your friend is not a bad person. The
person who abused him or her is at fault and needs
professional help.
If you have a friend who is being abused, he or
she needs your patience, love, and understanding.
Your friend also needs you to encourage him or her
to get help immediately from an adult, such as a
parent or guidance counselor. Most of all, your
friend needs you to listen to him or her without
judging. It takes a lot of courage to admit that
you have been abused; let your friend know that
he or she has your full support.
How You Can Help Yourself
What should you do if you are suffering from any
type of abuse? If you can't love someone without
feeling afraid, it's time to get out of the relationship
fast. You're worth being treated with respect and
you can get help.
First, make sure you're safe. A trusted adult can
help you. If the person has physically attacked
you, don't wait to get medical attention or call
the police. Assault is illegal, and so is rape -
even if it's done by someone you are dating.
Avoid the tendency to isolate yourself from your
friends and family. You might feel like you have
nowhere to turn, or you might be embarrassed about
what's been going on, but this is the time when
you need support most. People like counselors, doctors,
teachers, coaches, and friends will want to help
you, so let them.
Don't rely on yourself alone to get out of the situation;
the people who love and care about you can help
you break away. It's important to know that asking
for help isn't a sign of weakness - it actually
shows that you have a lot of courage and are willing
to stand up for yourself.
Where to Get Help
There are many resources available to help you.
Your local phone book will list hundreds of crisis
centers, teen help lines, and abuse hotlines. These
organizations have professionally trained staff
to listen, understand, and help.
Ending abuse and violence in teen relationships
is a community effort with plenty of people ready
to help. Don't forget about those in your neighborhood
who will be willing and able to help: religious
leaders, school nurses, teachers, school counselors,
doctors, and other health professionals are all
sources of support and information.
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