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Domestic Violence: Through
the Eyes of a Child
The domestic violence movement has become increasingly
aware of the devastating impact of domestic violence
on children’s lives. Over three million children
in the United States are exposed to parental violence
each year. Whether or not children actually witness
the violence, they are now considered to be victims
of this epidemic.
As they grow and develop, children form assumptions
about the world in which they live. Is their world
consistent and predictable or chaotic and unsafe?
Will their parents be able to keep them safe and
protected? Exposure to domestic violence creates
inordinate stresses in a child’s life.
In addition to the trauma of knowing that one parent
hurts another “on purpose,” children
in homes where domestic violence occurs are 15 times
more likely to experience child abuse than children
in non-violent homes. Instead of becoming used to
regular routines in a safe environment, children
enter an environment filled with stress and tension.
The Early Years
From the time children are conceived, they become
intimately connected with and affected by domestic
violence directed at their mothers. Violence tends
to increase during pregnancy, which in turn contributes
to an increased rate of miscarriage. Infants often
develop an intense fear of adults, lose their appetite
and scream incessantly. Unfortunately, these behaviors
create more strain for families that are already
over-stressed.
Acting Out
Sharon is four years old. She has trouble focusing
at school and often hits other children in her class...
Every child responds differently to witnessing
or directly experiencing domestic violence, depending
on his or her temperament, usual coping mechanisms,
developmental stage and support systems. Some children
may respond with internalized symptoms such as regression
and social isolation. Others may develop externalized
negative behaviors that includes nightmares, hyperactivity,
aggression and delinquency.
Research about children of various ages has found
that from 50 to 70 per cent of children exposed
to domestic violence suffer from Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder at a higher rate than either Vietnam
Veterans or rape victims. Violence puts them at
significantly higher risk for behaviors ranging
from extreme withdrawal to hyperactivity and for
consequences ranging from school failure to suicide
and criminal behavior.
Anger
Jeff is thirteen. He has lived with his mother
and father his entire life. He loves both his parents
but feels angry with his Dad for hitting his Mom
and angry at his Mom for not protecting herself.
Over the last few years, Jeff has begun to take
the situation into his own hands, vowing to stop
his Dad from ever hurting his Mom again.
Mothers in violent relationships are often unable
to protect their children from their batterers,
who may threaten children’s physical safety
in order to control her behavior. The violence takes
a mother away from her children, both physically
and emotionally. Ironically, mothers often stay
in violent relationships so that their children
can maintain their relationship with the second
parent (father/partner). Children are often literally
“caught in the crossfire” and may be
injured when an object is thrown or when they try
to protect their mother.
Shame
Nina is nine. She is well-behaved and performs
well in school, but has made up elaborate lies about
her happy family. Her shame prevents her from ever
having friends over.
As children age, they feel increasingly responsible
for the violence in their homes. A school-aged child
often feels caught between love for the father and
desire to protect the mother. Shame becomes a dominant
theme. Children become increasingly isolated from
their peers as they act out in school and cease
to invite friends home. As children grow into teens
they develop higher levels of delinquency and violent
behavior than those in non-violent homes.
The Perfectionist
“If only I did better in school...”
On the other hand, a child may become intensely
perfectionist, believing that he will be able to
make things better between his parents if only he
is “good enough.” Children who follow
this path tend to do well in school and consequently
are not identified by teachers as needing help or
support. Without outside support children continue
these patterns and are at a higher risk for suicide
and other self-destructive behaviors.
Dating
Joshua is fifteen. He hates his father and
vowed that he would never treat women the way that
his father treats his mother. He recently began
dating a girl in his class. He has found himself
becoming increasingly jealous of time she spends
with her friends and last week he hit her ...
As teens explore romantic relationships, the relational
patterns they have learned at home, based on control
and dominance rather than respect and equality,
often affect their expectations of romantic partners.
But with intervention, the cycle of violence can
be interrupted.
Breaking the Cycle
While the picture for children exposed to domestic
violence may at first appear dismal, Support Network
staff and volunteers bear witness daily to the incredible
resilience of children. The most critical factor
in determining whether a child will be able to overcome
the devastating impact of growing up exposed to
domestic violence is the existence of a consistent
and supportive relationship in their lives, often
with a teacher, counselor, or extended family member.
When we work with children at the Support Network
we help them identify and build upon their strengths,
while at the same time developing supportive relationships.
We provide both individual and group counseling,
including psycho-educational groups for 5 to 8-
year-olds and 9 to 12-year-olds. Being a part of
these groups is often the first opportunity children
have to share their experiences with children their
own age. The children learn to support each other
and themselves. We hear again and again how participation
in our groups transforms children’s lives.
Finally, our consistent support of mothers constitutes
an essential intervention in the lives of children.
Empowering mothers to be able to make positive changes
in their lives and supporting their healing process
is one of the most important keys to helping children
heal and to break the intergenerational cycle of
violence. As children begin to express their feelings
and to understand the causes and effects of their
behavior, they are able to begin changing the patterns
in their lives.
Every member of our community has opportunities
to support children living in violent homes. Reaching
out to a neighbor’s child, volunteering time
to work on our crisis line or with children, and
talking to others about the effects of domestic
violence on children all help to interrupt the cycle
of violence and promote prevention and healing.
Children and Domestic Violence: The Facts
Children in homes where domestic violence
occurs are 15 times more likely to experience
child abuse than children in non-violent homes.
50 to 70 per cent of children exposed to
domestic violence suffer from Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder, a higher rate than either Vietnam Veterans
or rape victims.
Violence tends to increase during pregnancy, resulting
in an increased rate of miscarriage.
As children grow into teens they exhibit higher
levels of delinquency and violent behavior than
those in non-violent homes
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