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As I write about spousal victimization I realize three
very different audiences will read these words. First
are those who are victims; second are those who were victims;
third are those concerned enough to care and to learn
and to help, but never victimized themselves. Since the
word, victim, carries connotations and associations that
some find degrading, I use it with misgivings. Once victim
meant a living being sacrificed to the gods and the word
implied innocence and virtue. Now our victor-oriented
culture disparages the victim, blames the victim, ostracizes,
isolates and condemns. Who desires the label, victim
?
Nevertheless, many readers are living with violent, abusive
spouses and are enduring repetitive victimization. You
deserve dignity, freedom from fear and compassionate acceptance
by your community. You are not to blame. I hope your victim
status will soon end.
Those readers who are no longer abused, who have escaped
and survived, and who realize they were victims once,
are the hope for a sea-change in spousal relations. You
know how paralyzing the fear of the family tyrant can
be; you know how difficult and dangerous the path to freedom
can be; you know how frustrating it is to debate those
who perpetuate the status quo, often encrusting their
ignorance in a shell of arrogant misogyny. I hope you
will prevail, maintaining your own gains, helping others
escape, persuading and educating the uninformed.
And those who have no personal experience as a victim
of spousal abuse, those who read to understand and to
help, might begin by recalling a time of intimidation
by a larger person, perhaps in childhood, when you dared
not fight, when you felt small and hurt and humiliated.
Join hands with the victims and the survivors. Feel the
partnership, the parity, the universality of being human
and being hurt. Because in this field, to deny one's vulnerability
to victimization is to pass from person to authority,
to appear and to become separate. We are all colleagues
when the issue is coping with human cruelty.
Why does spouse abuse happen?
Although there are cases of wives who assault husbands,
by and large spouse abuse happens because men batter and
get away with it. Violent aggression is human, And among
humans, the dangerous violators are overwhelmingly male.
Males outnumber females as murderers, assaulters, sexual
abusers and every other category of violent criminal action.
Males use deadly weapons for sport, for war, for personal
gain far more frequently than do females. The mammalian
brain has sex-linked differences associating aggression
and male gender. The male hormone, testosterone, is implicated
in violent behavior.
Laboratory experiments on rats and mice show hormonally
induced reversal of gender correlates with reversal of
aggressive patterns of behavior. Any attempt to explain
why spouse abuse happens must begin with the fact that
the male of our species, for many reasons, has aggressive
behaviors and these often find expression in the family.
Spouse abuse has historic roots. Females have been bought
and sold and bartered, ritually branded and mutilated,
denied education, land ownership, means of travel, and
are not yet full partners in owning and controlling the
major institutions of this world. In a political sense,
the female gender is engaged in a long march from slavery,
still eclipsed in the shadow of patriarchal dominance.
When parity in power is sought, too often the seeker is
punished. Behind closed doors the punishment may be swift,
explosive and brutal.
Some cultures permit more subjugation and intimidation
of women than do others. Some cultures extol the use of
force to preserve the status of the male. When males teach
males to slap their women to keep them in line, abuse
is normative rather than aberrant. Although wife beating
is no longer a publicly acceptable behavior, it is privately
promoted within many male groups.
Why does the victim stay?
Why would a woman whose face is disfigured, whose bones
are broken, whose pregnancy is lost, remain with a spouse
who might beat her to death?
For some, there is simply no exit. The door is open but
she cannot leave. She has no resources of her own. Her
children need her. She is terrified of the police. Social
workers are people who can declare you an unfit mother.
The perpetrator has threatened to kill her if she leaves
or if she tells and she knows no safe haven from him.
There is no federal witness protection program for domestic
assault victims. Her fear is real, the threat is real,
the pathway to freedom cannot be found.
For some the shame is crushing. To heal in private, behind
dark glasses, behind closed blinds is far better than
to be seen by others. Physical pain is more bearable than
shame. The shame is deeper than embarrassment. It is mortification,
humiliation, dehumanization. Shame depends on the eyes
of others. Avoid the eyes, avoid the shame. Stay home.
Endure.
Some harbor hope for better times. The cycle of tension,
abuse, relief; tension, abuse, relief has periods in which
optimism is rewarded. Hope for the cessation of battering
is realized and the relief experienced in the periods
of peace is profound. Animal experimenters and human inquisitors
know there is nothing as powerful as relief from torture
as a positive reward for desired behavior. For some battered
women the thin thread of hope and the episodic experience
of relief reinforces her decision to stay.
Why do they love?
Beyond conscious hope and relief is an unconscious process
of traumatic bonding, learned in infancy and relearned
as intimacy is interwoven with abuse. This phenomenon
appears in the bizarre attachment of some hostages to
their captors known as the "Stockholm Syndrome. "
It explains why some victims love their abusers.
In a bank vault in Stockholm, Sweden twenty-seven years
ago, Kristin, the hostage was held by Olafson, the armed
assailant. She could not speak, she could not eat, she
could not use a toilet without his permission. She was
not only terrified, she was infantilized.
Infants cannot survive without care and feeding by their
parents. They do not know the meaning of the word love.
But they must experience relief when their hunger is sated,
when a wet diaper is changed, when a warm blanket is provided.
And we can assume that the child experiences a precursor
of love --a profound, primordial gratitude for the continuing
gift of life, expressed in finite acts of kindness. Often
the kindness is relief from discomfort and pain.
Kristin denied that Olafson, her captor, was the source
of her pain. Many hostages deny or repress or forget that
fact. They do realize, consciously and deep inside, that
someone with the power to take their life is not killing
them. On the contrary, this powerful person gives them
food and blankets and permission to speak and the right
to use a toilet. The hostage feels grateful and attached.
Scores of ex-hostages have described this phenomenon to
me. Only when the feeling of attachment has faded, sometimes
years later, do they fully appreciate what occurred and
arrive at a reasonable explanation. They describe that
they did not seek a loving or compassionate attachment
to a killer (many hostage survivors saw their captors
kill others). The survivor often tried to fight a feeling
of affection. But gradually they felt warmly toward one
or more hostage holders, particularly those that showed
some signs of nurturance. If the age and gender were appropriate,
the positive feelings could approximate romantic love.
Kristin felt it so strongly toward Olafson that she became
his lover and broke off an engagement to another man.
Patty Hearst felt it toward Cujo, one of her Symbionese
Liberation Army captors. But others (a senior magistrate
held by young Italian Red Brigades; a 50 year old editor
on a train captured by Dutch Moluccans) described fatherly
or avuncular affection. And the feelings were often reciprocated
from hostage holder to hostage. Both parties feared and
resented, even hated, the authorities outside--the government
and the police who seemed to be the enemy . Those authorities
delayed the negotiations, wouldn't take them seriously,
and might storm the sanctuary and kill them all. Within
the siege room traumatic bonding had occurred.
So in the case of the Stockholm Syndrome a normal adult
may experience ironic attachment to an abuser through
the sequence of terror, isolation, infantilization, denial,
gratitude and attachment. Love is felt by some. A battered
wife might love for similar reasons.
Or, a battered wife might love her spouse because she
was trained from infancy to love an abusive parent --that
is, to equate love with the intimate enduring dependence
on one who provides life's necessities and who also hits
and hurts.
Or, the battered wife might love her spouse because relief
from punishment is so rewarding that she has learned to
savor this feeling while denying the pain of physical
abuse.
Or, she might love qualities that are lovable and suppress
any outrage in response to behaviors that are cruel. Love
is notoriously irrational, complex and paradoxical. To
regard all love in abusive relationships as a product
of abuse is unhelpful and untrue.
Few women and none that I have worked with as patients
or clients wanted to be beaten. They were not masochistic.
Because the term, masochism, exists, we seek examples
to fulfill the concept. Theoretically, it is conceivable
that love could be based on the aberrant attraction to
a sadistic sexual partner. But this would be a rare exception.
It is insulting to victims of abuse to suggest that the
abuse is desired.
What are the merits of counseling methods for
victims?
Given the many forms and facets and stages of spouse abuse,
generalizations about counseling are hazardous. Those
women who are currently being battered need physical protection,
advocacy, financial resources, and a reliable support
system. Practical training to assure independent survival
is necessary. No single counselor can provide all the
help that is usually needed at the outset. A successful
intervention is multidisciplinary, proactive, and well
coordinated. Survivors who have learned to cope not only
with abusive spouses, but with intimidating bureaucracies
are valuable allies. Attorneys who are willing to help
with civil orders on short notice are critical assets.
Shelters are often necessary. Doctors who will document
wounds and testify to their findings may save a life.
Police and welfare professionals are now more educated,
aware and specialized. Unfortunately, other obligations
frequently intrude. The therapist or counselor helps initially
by opening the door to all of these resources, by assuring
that life threatening issues are appropriately addressed,
by deferring any exploration of self defeating patterns
of behavior until safety is achieved and a new network
has been formed.
Since the family of origin is, too often, a source of
insult and betrayal, undermining the woman's search for
freedom and dignity, counselors learn to assess trustworthy
contacts. Shelters may offer the best initial environment
not only because they keep the perpetrator out, but because
they offer an esteem-enhancing human group instead of
a dysfunctional family of origin.
Ultimately, psychological issues are addressed. Herein
lies a strenuous challenge for survivor and therapist.
The disturbing fact that more depression is encountered
by battered wives who leave than by battered wives who
stay must be confronted. And the treatment of post-abuse
depression is not as simple as the treatment of common
mood disorder. The victim/survivor's depression is rooted
in the reality of abuse and neglect and historically condoned
cruelty. Prozac wont change that truth.
The emerging specialty of traumatic stress studies provides
a new generation of clinicians with diagnoses, theory
and techniques that help victims of sudden, catastrophic
stress. PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is well
understood as a common syndrome including flashbacks,
nightmares, unwanted memories, emotional numbing, avoidance
of reminders, concentration deficit, insomnia, irritability
and other related symptoms. PTSD specialists know how
to educate and coach and guide survivors toward mastery
of traumatic memories and a new emotional equilibrium.
But liberation from a lifetime of abuse is a different
issue entirely. PTSD may or may not be present. If it
is, it is complex rather than simple. Brief therapy is
usually insufficient. Issues of trust, rejection, anger
and abandonment take time, skill and patience.
Writing about long term therapy with battered wives who
are alternately compliant and resentful, Lenore Walker
observes "Some therapists become so confused by this
process that they relabel it as borderline behavior because
of the intensity of the client's angry or smothering demands.
. . battered women feel so unlovable that they need to
be sure that their therapist likes/loves them, and like
adolescents they are constantly testing it. Keeping to
firm limits and calm but minimal responses are the most
helpful behavior the therapist can engage in. This gives
the message that you like her, are willing to stay with
her in treatment without being abusive, and understand
that she is scared. However, some of the limit setting
and distancing techniques recommended for use with borderline
clients would be counterproductive for use with a battered
woman as they would set up power and control issues and
not provide the warmth and understanding needed to regain
feelings of safety. "
Obviously, not every therapist is equipped to help the
woman who wants to change the habits that helped her endure
abuse. In fact, many therapists make matters worse. They
do this by announcing their skepticism. They do this by
withholding support. They do this by falling in the traps
identified by Dr. Walker.
Therefore three caveats are offered for those seeking
counseling:
1. Shop Around. The first or second counselor
may not be right for you. This relationship will be very
important. You should feel comfortable and you should
be sure your counselor is comfortable with you.
2. Change Counselors If You Must. Early
in a therapeutic relationship you may feel betrayed or
insulted. Since sensitivity to rejection is often a problem
for persons dealing with interpersonal issues in therapy,
you deserve a counselor who you can trust. If a counselor
cannot deal with your anger, you might be better off elsewhere
.
3. Endure Once You Find the Right Counselor.
Those who are out of an abusive relationship, but struggling
to find a sense of personal worth, consistency and security,
will often have stormy times in therapy. Your job is not
to please your therapist, but your therapist will be pleased
if you reach your goal of independence.
In sum, spouse abuse happens because our so called civilization
is not that civilized and men get away with beating women.
Women stay with these men for several reasons, including
fear, isolation and unusual forms of love. Leaving is
dangerous for many, difficult for most. A common long
term consequence of abuse is an interpersonal and intrapersonal
condition that includes depression, rejection sensitivity,
anger and difficulty with trust. Counseling for victims
should be practical, multidisciplinary and geared to security
needs. Therapy for those who are safe but not fully "whole"
is a longer, more demanding process.
Therapy is not the answer; we must do more than treat
the wounded. Spouse abuse is a long standing, entrenched
problem. Fortunately, there are experienced, effective
survivors committed to changing this cruel aspect of human
history. We who treat and teach can do no better than
to join hands with them.
Selected References
Demause, L. (1991). The universality of incest. Am. j.
psychohistory, 19:2, 123-164. (A thorough and frightening
account of historic and cultural mutilation and subjugation
of girls and women.)
Herman, J. L., (1992) Complex PTSD: a syndrome in survivors
of prolonged and repeated trauma. J. traumatic stress,
5:3, 377-391
Martin, D. (1976, revised 1981) . Battered wives. San
Francisco: Volcano Press. (Says it all, in paperback.)
Raisman, G . (1972) . Sexual dimorphism in rat preoptic
area . Res . Publ . A nerv. ment. Dis., 52, 42-51. ( First
evidence of reversible sex-linked anatomical differences
in mammalian brains).
Scheff, T.J. and Retzinger, S.M. (1991). Emotions and
violence. Lexington, MA: Lexington Books. (Shame and rage
in destructive conflicts ) .
Schellenbach, C.J. (1991). Biological correlates of
gender differences in violence. In J.S. Milner (ed. ),
Neuropsychology of aggression (pp. 117-129). Boston: Kluwer
Academic Publishers. (Good, scientific review chapter.
Incidentally, females do outnumber males in arrests for
child abuse and infanticide --exceptions to the rule of
male predominance in violent crime.) (Another good chapter
in this volume is, Rosenbaum, A. The neuropsychology of
marital aggression.)
Strentz, T. (1982). The Stockholm syndrome. In F. M.
Ochberg and D. Soskis (eds. ), Victims of terrorism (pp.
149-163) . Boulder: Westview .
Walker, L. (1991). Battered woman syndrome. Psychotherapy,
28:1, 21-29. (A recent sample of Dr. Walker's prolific
contribution to this field, including her insights on
controversial diagnoses such as Selfdefeating Personality
Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder).
Young, G. H. and Gerson, S. (1991). Masochism and spouse
abuse. Psychotherapy, 28:1, 30-38. (Covers traumatic bonding,
cycle theory of violence, abuse during childhood, and
includes an excellent bibliography).
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